It's the happ-happiest season of all...
Being single during the holidays is a double-edged sword for me. On one hand, I realize that by not having a boyfriend I am saving myself dough and anxiety over finding the perfect gift. On the other hand, I am one of those sick individuals that has the uncanny ability to concoct the perfect present for that special someone. And let me tell you people, my effort and skill does not go unnoticed...Never a disappointed boyfriend in the house. So it's no surprise that this year's holiday gloom is not from the lack of a snuggle buddy over a mug of spiked cocoa, but rather from the distress that I can't compete with myself to top last year's gift.
Apparently there are others that remember this unique "gift" of mine as well. Wouldn't you know that my most recent ex emailed me this past Friday:
do you (or - insert sister's name
Other than the obvious faux pas presented in this email, I must say that at first read I find it humorous that he has included my sister in his inquiry. Does she really give a shit about his holiday predicament? Is he thinking that by including both of us it makes it less "weird"? Also, unless the gift tag has my name on it, do I really want to offer up any suggestions? Like all of us single losers, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back...Hey it's the holidays!
Well that response led to a few more emails. And then, like the Angel Gabrielle, this gem appeared out of nowhere. Let me tell you folks, you have never received an email quite like this one. Not from a boy who broke you heart, then moved down the street from you, frequents all the same hangouts, and works 2 blocks away, forever keeping you on your toes and making it devastatingly hard to move on (bitter much?). This is the perfect topper to the the most dysfunctional of break-up trees:
sorry but i need help with one more thing. i don't have a girlfriend to ask these things so you'll have to bear with me. besides which you should be flattered i value your opinion. i thank you in advance. first, do you like this jacket (for me, not gift)? if so or if not, which color is better, brown or grey?
Speechless, right? First thought, cry me a fucking river. Second thought, are you trying to be funny? Third thought, I should be flattered? Shouldn't you be flattered that I'm even acknowledging you? Final (for the purposes of this blog) thought, you actually think I have a vested interest in helping you look good? Sorry, but I think you need help with more than one thing. Say a little couth with the ladies?? When you have relinquished the privilege of dating me, isn't this where your sisters and mother come in? It's like you want certain benefits, but not even the good ones…
I will certainly be searching for a new lad under the mistletoe this holiday season. Until then…Merry Ex-Mas to all and to all a good night!
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