You're Never Fully Dressed

Sometimes what you’re wearing from head to toe is what matters.

I recently found myself back at a guy's apartment sharing a beer after we had been watching football with friends at a bar. This is a guy, who I have been on one date with, enjoyed his company, and since he doesn’t live far from me, was willing to share a night-cap. I was fully aware that he could potentially plant one on me. The evening took it’s usual course – open the beer, sit on the couch, listen to music, make conversation, and then pick your right moment to go in for the kill. Kissing not too aggressive and not too awkward. He stood up at one point, which was the sign that he wanted to go into the bedroom. I was fine with a little bit of horizontal action, PG-rated horizontal action, that is. Anyway, after drinking copious amounts of liquid, one usually finds themselves in need of some relief, so I said “I have to use the restroom.” Please note, that this was not said in a seductive, sexy way. Nor did it have the tone of “wait right there, mister. I’ll be right back.” It especially did not imply what I found when I came out of the bathroom.

I opened the door only to find that this guy had taken off ALL of his clothes. Okay, he left the boxers on, but what? It was wrong on so many levels. My gut reaction, an honest reaction, was to burst out into laughter – which I did, in his face. And I said “Oh my God, you just took off all of your clothes.” And he said “yeah,” (as in what’s the big deal), and too confused for words I just said “so we’re clear on one thing, my clothes are not coming off.” And then he's like, "you can at least take off your sweater." I know this story brings out my prudish side, but come on, there are signals and signs that a woman gives off if she wants to get busy. None of which were emitted by me that evening. I don’t even think I have that capability, period (sad, but true). It was a very presumptuous move and makes me wonder if it has worked for him in the past.

So, your clothes may be Beau Brummelly, but leave them on for a while, cuz brother three-fourths of the fun is getting to take each other’s clothes off! (when appropriate signal applies)

Stang Operation

I recently rented a car to drive from Nashville to Birmingham. Little did I know that when selecting a “Midsize” vehicle (read: cheaper) on my reservation form, that I would actually be stepping into the biggest ride of my life. The perfect early-fall weather had arrived which already made me excited for the road trip, but when the Hertz Representative asked “will a Mustang be alright,” I grinned from ear to ear and told her that I wouldn’t accept any less. And then when she told me it only had 54 miles on it, I suddenly had a flashback to Ferris Bueller - “You guys got nothing to worry about, I’m a professional.”

Once our transaction was complete she pointed me in the direction of Parking Space No. 12. Behold, the bright cherry red brilliance, and its seamless tan cloth interior that cleverly and continuously reads “Mustang” on each seat - just invisible enough so that one might think it a design, but in a way that only a true believer could see the scripture. This car needed no introduction, but just in case you’ve been couped up in a mini van your whole life, the geniuses at Ford had “Mustang” lettered on each side of the exterior. Coincidence that the words Respect and Mustang have the same number of letters? You do the math.

Once I got on the highway I had an out-of-body experience, the ‘Stang was in control. For the first few minutes leaving Nashville, the Mustang had to listen to the rest of the Colts v. Titans game. As you can imagine, the Mustang celebrated the Colts’ victory, kicked the speed up about 10 mph, and turned its radio dial to any station playing Lynard Skynard, Aerosmith or hard-core country. And soon my 3 hour trip, was taking much longer than expected. Who knew the ‘Stang would have so many important stops to make:

Everyone eating the Mustang’s dust.

Will you ‘mare’y me?

An empty bottle of dark liquor on the floorboard is a staple accessory in any Mustang. But Mustang’s don’t drink and drive – alone.

A Mustang in its natural habitat. Can you really take a man out of the Mustang?

The Mustang always pays homage to man-made marvels, fabricated out of steel, built to overcompensate shortcomings, and equipped with inter-galactic horsepower.

The Mustang breaks for DQ dip cones and an Alabama Terd Bird at Stuckey’s…obviously.

The Mustang only stops to refuel because the oil industry forces it to. But then again, this is America. Coincidence that the words America and Mustang have the same number of letters? You do the math.

Haley's Tip of the Month (yes, we're going back to the original title)

Going out to a bar after a dinner date is like a call option. Only when your stock is up should you exercise your option. If you exercise when it's down, you're going to take a loss.