Thursday, March 22, 2007

Oracle of Pendergrass (f.k.a. - Haley's Tip of the Month)

The Oracle, in her infinite wisdom, on likening a failed relationship attempt to a lemon:

That was not a failed attempt. I don't think that had anything to do with you, except that you happened to like a guy who had non-datable qualitites. Kind of like buying a lemon. Its not the way you were driving, the equipment was faulty.

And wouldn't it just be like an Oracle to take more money from you to let you in on more prophecies, only to give you a prophecy she stole from a wise friend. Kathleen's take on the one-night-stand:

It doesn't count as a one night stand if you wanted to see him again. It's not your fault he never called.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Dating Parameters

This Conditional Contract of Dating Parameters ("Contract") is entered into by and between All Females with a Single Income and No Children ("FSINC") -, having an address in Anytown, USA, and all Confused Men in America ("CMA") for the express benefit of a Normal Dating Life ("NDL")

This Contract states that FSINC agrees not to commence any familiar relations with a CMA, for the express benefit of an NDL, if the CMA should fall under one of the following categories:

WHEREAS, the CMA is entering, considering entering, or already entered into a post-graduate educational institution where a degree will be received within a minimum of one year,

This is when an FSINC finds a CMA at his most heightened of confused states. His schedule will be nowhere close to yours. While you may be waking up at 6:00 am to get to the gym in time to get ready for work, he will be snoozing until 10:00am, waking up five minutes before class. And when you come home from work, he'll be heading to the library to cram in an all-nighter before
his exams. Speaking of exams, forget seeing your sweetie at least 2 weeks prior to exam time, then you block out another 2 weeks for exams, and then you have the one week of post-exam
celebration that will no doubt be spent with his other school buddies who are more likely to "understand." You won't understand him and he won't understand you. Be prepared for the "I don't understand why you're so tired, it's Friday night, we should be going out?" - well, technically your CMA is right, but if he worked a 50+ hour week dealing with ass holes, he would understand why you want to stay in. If your CMA happens to be in Law School, well, I've got two words - The Bar, and two more words - Dump Him.


WHEREAS, the CMA has an address outside of a 50 mile radius of your own residence,

If you are from New York and you reside on the West-Side, then you have no hope dating a man on the East-Side. Since we don't all live in Manhattan, I thought that a 50 mile radius was generous enough. That puts you door-to-door, hopefully, in less than one hour, making it just long enough to get a little irritating, but not too long that you can't stay over night and drive into work the next morning…on time. If you meet a CMA who lives beyond the 50 mile radius, do not plan on seeing him during the week - which actually, in my opinion can be a good thing, especially if your CMA falls under the first category. Furthermore, it is of utmost importance that your CMA make every effort to see you/you see him in the first months of dating. Distance is a bitch no matter which way you look at it, and trying to ignite a spark, let alone keep it burning, 250 miles apart is damn near impossible. If you insist on dating your long-distance CMA, make sure you put in your contract that you will NOT talk on the phone every night. Nightly conversations only contain boring topics which lead to frustration and ultimately self-conscious behavior - "you don't love me anymore…how come you never want to talk to me…is there someone else…you never want to see me" etc etc. Self-conscious behavior is not good for anyone, isn't how an FSINC should feel when in a relationship and only makes your CMA believe that you are not the fun-loving, sassy girl that he was willing to go the distance for earlier on in the relationship.

WHERAS, the CMA is employed, but going through a work crisis/transition,

If you want the attention that you knowingly respect and deserve, it would behoove any young FSINC not to become smitten with a CMA who is looking to change jobs, on the job hunt, or who's company is going through a transition like a merger or acquisition. If there is ONE thing that sends a CMA into a complete tail-spin (and no ladies, we can't flatter ourselves because it is not us), it is the J-O-B. Job is to man, like sex is to a nymphomaniac. You put what's sacred to them in jeopardy, and your liable to find them in God only knows what state of mind, twisted up in an awkward position, dry-humping the doctor's chair (did I just say that?). Bottom line is, they wig out, and can only focus on one thing - which is, their job. Not only will you have to be exposed at an all-to-early-stage of how the CMA handles stressful situations, but you will also have to witness a certain level of drama that just isn't flattering, nor appealing/attractive to the FSINC. So if you like him, give him space AND time. If he likes you enough (more than his job), the CMA may come around after the doctor throws him out of the office for lewd public behavior and scarring other patients in the waiting room.

and,

WHEREAS, the prospective CMA's termination of a previous relationship is in question, even though you thought it was established.

This category may seem easy to spot, but let me tell you, CMA's may be confused, but they are tricky. They fool you with their flirty behavior, tease you with over-the-top compliments, and then cold-cock you when they tell you they may or may not still have a girlfriend. No respectable FSINC would knowingly date a CMA with a girlfriend, they may be easily conned into a make-out, but that's only late at night after several drinks. Nobody wants to go on a few really good dates with a CMA only to find out that the next weekend he took his "ex" girlfriend as his date to a wedding. Weddings are no place for a new date OR a date with an "ex" girfriend. No FSINC thinks its cute when a CMA flirts with her all weekend at an out-of-town wedding, when no other girl's name was mentioned by the CMA or his CMA cronies, only for the loser to drop the word "girlfriend" at the bewitching hour as he's going in for the good-night smooch. And it is certainly not wise for an FSINC to become involved with a CMA who is fresh off the long-term relationship boat. This only means dealing w/ dramatic ex-girlfriends (at least we think they're an ex - also please reference "Statute of Grievatation), awkward run-ins, and basically not being able to go on any fun dates because everyone is anxious they might run into the poor, heart-broken FSINC , who could also potentially be psycho.


NOW THEREFORE, if the FSINC and CMA agree to the parameters set forth in this Contract, you are almost certainly guaranteed to embark on an NDL.

But then again, what the hell is NORMAL?