Resolve and Evolve

Let it be known that on, Monday, January 1, 2007, that I, GAC, resolve to take charge of my life in the year 2007 by doing the following (in no particular order of priority):

1) Be nicer to my mom. This seems like an easy task, but when your mom calls you at work, if no answer, calls cell phone twice, if no answer, then work again, you answer only to have her ask you an "urgent" question which she has forgotten…calls you BACK at work b/c she remembered: "ummm, have you seen my tweezers?". I will not sigh directly in her face, but rather cover the mouth piece of the phone so she cannot detect my exasperation.

2) Accept my deficiencies of laziness and hatred toward cleaning supplies, dirty dishes, and laundry hampers and hire a cleaning/maid service.

3) To overdraw my bank account no more than once every 2 months - and perhaps to start a savings account (a bit lofty, I know).

4) Search for a standard/go-to drink. You know, "the usual."

5) Purchase only one bridesmaid dress - and sell off the other 15 in my closet.

6) Brush up on my Spanish so I can read the food labels at the Piggly Wiggly.

7) To go on more dates, but not by compromising my standards (which may actually lead to fewer dates).

And finally,

8) To be more productive at work by writing more frequently in my blog.

As we say it at my house, Happy Nu Nu!

A Little Haste for the Holidays - "Just Call Me"

I had a date the Thursday before Christmas. It was a nice evening, caught my favorite Christmas Movie, Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas, at a local bar, then headed out for tapas - where I proceeded to slide across the restaurant floor as if figure-skating were my true hidden talent. Since he did not mock me at my misfortune, laughed at all of my jokes, AND called me beautiful I thought it was certainly worth a second date, but Saturday you ask? I gave my go-to answer "just call me." Friday night I had big plans with friends in town, and Saturday I was planning on spending in recovery mode. Saturday afternoon came around, and he called me. I explained that I was fairly cracked-out from having stayed out until 5am, and waking up at 1pm. This did not seem to phase him, so I obliged, and we cooked dinner and watched a movie. He asks again, "when can I see you next?", and I reply, "just call me." Well, he does. He calls me the next day to wish me a Merry Christmas, to see if I would be interested in hanging out that night, and then to say, "I also have a small gift I want to bring by"….hives spread over my body, and my throat begins to close. A present!!?? What to think! I quickly declined his invitation to hang out (I was planning on spending the entire day in my pajamas anyway), and then he asked if I would be interested in hanging out the next day. Geeez, this guy certainly doesn't beat around the bush. So I said "just call me." As you can imagine my mind began racing about what the gift could actually be? Why would someone who has only been out with me twice want to give me a gift? What if it was inappropriate, could I give him the ole "I can't accept this?" Would I feel differently if I were totally in to him? I know, I know, women like me should be accustomed to getting showered with gifts, I should be appreciative of his thoughtful gesture, but I'm not. I'm a total bitch who gets creeped out when guys jump the gun, express interest in me too soon, and are actually polite gentleman (and yet, I always bitch when my boyfriends can't do these things). So I got the call on the 26th, but I didn't answer the phone. I kind of wanted to wait in hopes that I would dash any of his plans to grab dinner or catch a flick, so I did wait and wouldn't you know he was headed to dinner w/ his family…phew. But then he asked if he could come by afterwards to bring me the gift. I once again thrusted into panic mode and said, you got it, "just call me." Is it fair for me to go from "could-be-interested" to "sick-to-my-stomach" in such a short amount of time? He called around 9 pm to see if it was still kosher to stop-by. I mean, I couldn't really say no at this point. So he did, and brought me "the gift". You can imagine how relieved I felt when I opened the door and noticed a wine bottle gift bag. But then again, you can never be too sure. So as the package portrayed it was a bottle of wine (always appreciated), and surprise! two mix CD's, which were also appreciated, but hilariously reminiscent of Junior High. The most classic part of the CD's were the fact that they were labeled: "Ginger Ann's Bluegrass Mix" and "Ginger Ann's Pop Mix". I think in adulthood when appropriately labeling mix CD's you are to either a)come up with a clever title, or b) put your own name as the possessive, or c) no names attached at all. Names only give permanent reminders. Yes, they are a gift to me, but I'm not sure I want to claim the songs on either CD not having experienced a dry-run.

It certainly could have been worse, and they're definitely the kind of gifts you wouldn't feel bad for accepting if you had to drop the axe the next week. I wonder if he thought it odd that I told him he needed to leave as I had to "mentally prepare" for work the next day.

Merry Ex-Mas

It's the happ-happiest season of all...

Being single during the holidays is a double-edged sword for me. On one hand, I realize that by not having a boyfriend I am saving myself dough and anxiety over finding the perfect gift. On the other hand, I am one of those sick individuals that has the uncanny ability to concoct the perfect present for that special someone. And let me tell you people, my effort and skill does not go unnoticed...Never a disappointed boyfriend in the house. So it's no surprise that this year's holiday gloom is not from the lack of a snuggle buddy over a mug of spiked cocoa, but rather from the distress that I can't compete with myself to top last year's gift.

Apparently there are others that remember this unique "gift" of mine as well. Wouldn't you know that my most recent ex emailed me this past Friday:

do you (or - insert sister's name ) have any good gift ideas? i've done nothing.

Other than the obvious faux pas presented in this email, I must say that at first read I find it humorous that he has included my sister in his inquiry. Does she really give a shit about his holiday predicament? Is he thinking that by including both of us it makes it less "weird"? Also, unless the gift tag has my name on it, do I really want to offer up any suggestions? Like all of us single losers, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back...Hey it's the holidays!

Well that response led to a few more emails. And then, like the Angel Gabrielle, this gem appeared out of nowhere. Let me tell you folks, you have never received an email quite like this one. Not from a boy who broke you heart, then moved down the street from you, frequents all the same hangouts, and works 2 blocks away, forever keeping you on your toes and making it devastatingly hard to move on (bitter much?). This is the perfect topper to the the most dysfunctional of break-up trees:

sorry but i need help with one more thing. i don't have a girlfriend to ask these things so you'll have to bear with me. besides which you should be flattered i value your opinion. i thank you in advance. first, do you like this jacket (for me, not gift)? if so or if not, which color is better, brown or grey?

Speechless, right? First thought, cry me a fucking river. Second thought, are you trying to be funny? Third thought, I should be flattered? Shouldn't you be flattered that I'm even acknowledging you? Final (for the purposes of this blog) thought, you actually think I have a vested interest in helping you look good? Sorry, but I think you need help with more than one thing. Say a little couth with the ladies?? When you have relinquished the privilege of dating me, isn't this where your sisters and mother come in? It's like you want certain benefits, but not even the good ones…

I will certainly be searching for a new lad under the mistletoe this holiday season. Until then…Merry Ex-Mas to all and to all a good night!