Statute of Grievatation

"So many tears I've cried, so much pain inside. Now baby it ain't over 'till it's over" - - Lenny Kravitz

For the recently scorned who are familiar with the lyrics of Lenny's song, you can all relate to the tears and the pain, but the part that becomes blurry to some is the ambiguous "it ain't over 'till it's over." So basically the relationship is over, but not until it's over...While it doesn't seem to make sense on the surface, we all know the exact feeling to which Lenny refers. Many women and men have a hard time defining over, explaining over and overcoming over, creating tumultuous delusions of "maybe", "one day", and "possibly."

As a victim of a very recent break-up, I decided to mend some wounds and hit up the Big Apple with a good friend. Sometimes I feel like New York is the most liberating city for these types of situations, but then most of the time it just makes me feel totally unfashionable, fat, and uncultured, defeating the purpose of my original intent. I should also mention that I had an allergic reaction to my eye make-up causing my eyes to swell up like a boxer - let's just say that I didn't get lucky. And moving back to the subject at hand. While my friend and I were consuming some excellent sushi at Cube 63, the conversation tended to lean toward the why's and how's of the end to my most-recent relationship. Situated two months deep into the break-up, I didn't feel like analyzing was completely out of the question. Moving from sushi to The Library, the bar played all songs that could be found on my ex's ipod play list - mutual favorites including Pixies, Bowie and Beck - sending me further into a state of nostalgia. I quickly downed my redbull and vodka and moved to swankier spirits like gin fizzes and champagne at the Maritime hotel - hoping that further lubrication would lead to a better situation. My friend must have been faster on the draw than I, as she had to take herself home a little bit earlier.

I found myself a cab - where I texted ex about said bar and music (such a disappointing move for me, in my recent maturity I'm never one to drink and dial/text), got to the Upper East side apartment, and was greeted at the door by a teary-eyed roommate, who I may have forgotten to mention dated my ex-boyfriend 3+ years ago. Before I could get through the front door, it was made known to me that my presence was very uncomfortable for her, that she's sorry for acting like a bitch all weekend, and that I need to understand where she's coming from. I immediately sobered up at this display, and quickly let her know that I didn't feel her behavior was rude and that I am sensitive to these types of situations (errrr - uhhh). Apparently my friend and her roommate had been in a screaming match since their arrival from the bar - and I slowly pieced it together that it was about ME and my (our) ex-boyfriend. I acted as mediator for a good bit of the exchange until I was unwillingly brought into the conversation when the roommate felt it necessary to say (all important quotes strung together to hit high points and not have to scribe entire conversation - names used for anonymity) "you just need to know that JOHN DOE(ex-boyfriend) is the love of MY life - it is very difficult to be around you - we do not have to be best friends - I had to give up my family of friends when JOHN DOE and I broke up." All the while I am thinking how bizarre it is for me to be a part of this, and I can't believe I'm responding so neutrally until…"I know you guys just broke up, I mean that he broke up with you - and I'm sorry". WOW, talk about a passive/aggressive jab, and sorry my ass. I would also like to mention that this roommate felt it would have been more appropriate for me to stay in a hotel - or my friend to have put her up in a hotel vs. staying at the apartment. So I defended myself as much as necessary, but did I really need to be defending my presence? Or my choice in men? And YOU'RE grieving ? What about me? Am I to be completely overlooked into this situation.? This girl and John Doe broke up OVER three years ago and she has hit so low as to talk to ME about her undying love? I think Wayne Campbell put it best, "Get over it ; go out with somebody else". (insert format question from Carrie Bradshaw) But then I thought, what is the statute of limitations on grieving over an ex? She obviously didn't think it was "over".

In trying to find the permissable amount of grieving time over a broken relationship, I posed the question to several friends, both male and female (please let it be known that only females responded - go figure). And many came back with similar answers…

I. The Mathematical Approach
You can build a formula for accepted grieving time based on the amount of time you and your ex-dated. I will use my most recent relationship to plug into this formula (11 months) for demonstration.

Formula 1: For every year you dated your significant other, you allow yourself 3 months.

#Years x 3 months = Acceptable Grieving
.93 years x 3 months = 2.75 months of grieving (i've got 3/4 of a month to
go!)

Formula 2: Half of the amount of time you dated your significant other.

#Months / 2 = Acceptable Grieving
11 months / 2 = 5.5 months of grieving
(is this excessive?)

Many people would probably go for Formula 2 b/c it allows you more time; however, if you dated someone for 7 years - that would be 3 1/2 years of grieving - that's wasting time in my book.

II. Getting Under to Get Over
Another answer that was repeated often was the old adage, "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else." First of all, for the purposes of this discussion "to get under" can mean sex, hooking up, smooching, whatever you want. I don't want to discriminate between the promiscuous and the prudish. Personally, I think this theory is questionable at best. After my first love and I broke up, I found that the distraction of other men was very fun, but only because I thought it was making my ex jealous. It certainly helped me get over a certain uncomfortability of becoming intimate with a new person, but ultimately led to an unhappiness of "getting under" a series of losers who could not accept the fact that I wasn't looking for love. This go-round, the thought of being with someone else is just not appealing, and makes me think that if I were to "get under" someone, it would only make me miss the ex even more. Any one have experiences where this has helped? I also posed the question - what if you have gotten under many a people and STILL can't get over the ex. Katie writes: "Try two men at one time." I like her forward approach.


III. Oh No, You Got to Keep on Movin'
Probably the most realistic answer was pointed out by Meg: "you never fully get over them until you move on… and they never fully get over you until they fully move on." And in all honesty, we don't know how long this could take. Sometimes you go in waves of not thinking about him/her, to being fully consumed by him/her. I eventually came to a point when I was so sick of Tim (my first love) being in and out of my life, that it was all I could do to get him to leave me alone - and then - BOOM - like an atomic bomb, I fell in love again…Tim? Who?

A "Wise Old Owl" said that as far as the break-up is concerned don't grieve - accept - and move on. It's hard and you can grieve a little (3 - 6 mos max); however, if you're still grieving after that, it is from the damage to your ego (so true), not from the sadness over the breakup. Separate the event - end of the relationship - from the damage to your ego. DO NOT allow yourself the luxury of self pity or blame.

So in conclusion, when he/she wants to break up, just believe that it truly is OVER, cuz we do not have time on this earth for the gray, murky bull-shit. And if they change their minds, hopefully they won't be too proud to tell you, and hopefully you will be a better person on your own or with someone new.