Ode to Helena Christensen (Alternate Title: BFF to the End)

Oh Helena, Oh Helena you cruise down the streets
on the West Village asphalt with your long slender feet
each day, for the past 10, I'm on my stoop, and you casually pass
to your crib 2 doors down, with a tight, tiny ass
sometimes at my "office", you will also stop in
for a coffee with milk, and a glimpse of the Ginge?
A stalker you must think me - no just your new best friend
So we smile, nod and wave, bff to the end.

Scholastic Fantastic

My existence in New York thus far has been pretty relaxed, not to say that the dawn of classes on Monday is going to make life frantic, but I am actually looking forward to having a full 8 hours of my day filled with something other than coffee shop lounging.

Earlier this week I received a confirmation email telling me where and when to show up for registration. At first I didn’t think anything of it, but then panic started to sink in. I haven’t been in a classroom in over 7 years. Do I need to go shopping for a first-day-of-class outfit? Do I carry a backpack or a satchel? Do I sit on the front row? Back row? Or just blend in? What kind of school supplies do I need? Yes, I said supplies (now dredge up memories of your favorite pencil grip w/ matching eraser tip). For some reason this bent me out of shape so much that I emailed the school director to ask. I could hear them laughing all of the way downtown from their high fallutin' office on the Upper East Side. But seriously, I’m not showing up w/ a 3-subject notebook when everyone is bringing a laptop. But then again, do I bring my laptop? I have quickly discovered that you are a complete loser in NY if you have a PC. My Toshiba could be the laughing stock of the Contemporary Art Class.

Shortly after the confirmation/registration I received an email for my first school “mixer.” More on that next week.

Pride

Successfully directing a city newcomer to his destination.

The Mobile Office

A few things I have learned/have questions about not that my office is mobile:

1) Is there a kosher amount of time that one can use a cafe's free wifi services without making a purchase? It is sort of like using a gas station's bathroom...I always feel obligated to purchase something if I use their facilities. I inherited this from my mother. This morning I went to one cafe, spotted some computers, so found it safe to make a purchase (coffee and a muffin). I sat down, got situated, only to find that they don't have wifi. After consumption, I sauntered the streets looking for my next haunt, and went to a stand-by. But I felt obligated to purchase another coffee. So before entering I threw away my 1/4 drunk costa-rican blend. Now I've been sitting in the same cafe for a good 2 1/2 hours, and have spent a total of $10. I felt I should stay and eat lunch too.

2) Making friends - In NY, space is tight, so it is not uncommon to share a table with a stranger. However, this can sometimes be awkward, especially if this person stares at you blankly with a copy of Romeo and Juliet in their hand, and then proceed to smack their food. It's nice to have the computer screen to duck behind. However, this morning I didn't have the computer screen, and managed to make a new photographer friend.

What to Expect When You're Not Expecting

You can expect that I’ll first be confused, then pissed off, and then run out of the store in tears, all the while forgetting to grab my purchase. Then when I have to turn around and go back into the store for my stupid hand soap, you can expect me to not talk to you, glare in your face, and expect you to also throw in a freebie for basically calling me fat. You can also expect that I’ll never be back to your store. “Oh!” she says, “well maybe it’s the sweater.” “Oh”, I say in my head, “maybe it’s your face, or your mom, or your mom’s face.”

You can maybe expect me to possibly hang up this sweater jacket…forever.

How Does It Feel?

Other than a slight Northeast slant, and a few temporary nights of sleep on the floor? It feels pretty good. Things learned while packing? Start earlier and pack it yourself. This way when you forget to pack an integral part of your bed set up then you only have yourself to blame. When your mom forgets to pack it you become equally as frustrated, but you can't take it out on her because she was actually helping you...and it's your mom after all. Travel tips picked up while driving into the city? The Holland Tunnel does not allow trucks of any size to travel through to Manhattan. Take the Lincoln Tunnel, but don't expect the security personnel at the Holland tunnel to be accurate or at all helpful in their redirecting you to the Lincoln Tunnel. Also, you may or may not wind up at Giants Stadium. Lesson learned while unloading? Don't attach yourself to simple material things such as your brand new couch that you we're planning on using as your main, read only, source of lounging. Be prepared to sacrifice it to the streets. People in New York will pick up anything. Also, don't underestimate the strength of your 5'2" mover who weighs in at 110 lbs.

I'm only one weekend in, and I feel that I certainly have a ways to go before the city accepts me as a resident. I already have blisters on my feet from all of the walking. Those will hopefully disappear soon and be replaced by killer legs and glutes.

Spectacular, Spectacular

This morning I began to pack a bag consisting of the following items: hot rollers, hair spray, falsh eyelashes, heavy make-up, panty hose, feather boa, spandex, and various items of glitter and sequin. I know what you're thinking, drag show? No, my dear friends, it's the Adult Tap Spectacular. And tonight is the final dress rehearsal. This year, along with 20 other women and 2 men, spanning the ages of 26 - 75, I enrolled in the Time Step Studio. As a reward for our year's worth of hard work, we peform at the historic Alabama Theatre in the Adult Tap Spectacular. The Time Step Tap Spectacular is infamous in this city, for the courage these tappers show in performing before an audience of 2,000, while donning costumes that would make your father blush, and sometimes seeming the right size for a 10 yr old, and also being able to perform under the influence. But I am doing it happily, as one night on stage a year is all I need to fulfill my (not-so?) secret narcissism.

"So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer!"

Movin' On Up?

"New York I love you, but you're freaking me out." - LCD Soundsystem

It's official. I put in notice at work, condo goes on the market Monday, and I have posted all worldly possessions including my car on Craigslist. For what? 450 LESS square feet, 2 times more in rent, no job prospects, and money down on some summer classes in the Financial hub of the world during an economic crisis.

Count down to move date: 5 weeks
Level of preparedness (1 to 10 scale, 1 being least prepared): 2

Can you call it a quarter-life crisis when you're nearing 30?

Facelift

While the black background catered to my sometimes dark sense of humor - it's a new year, so I'm going with a new look. Also, the black background with white writing was stressing my aging eyes.