25 is the new 40

In a semi-recent move back to my southern hometown I quickly discovered that during my 7 year absence there was a social/dating/engagement/marriage rule book that was published. Now, although everyone seems to know about the rules, and everyone is quick to quote you the rules...nobody seems to have a copy of this book?! I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to know that an excel spreadsheet is required for an 8-person cook-out? So in an effort to inform the un-informed, I am going to do what nobody did for me and share a few rules/guidelines:

1. If you are married/seriously dating/engaged, you are not allowed to go out past 9:00pm, and most certainly not out to a bar. This rule was clearly stated to me at first arrival into the "city". In order to give you some statistical information, I would say I had about 6 really close girlfriends in town when I first moved back: 2 married, 2 getting married the next month, 1 near engagement, and 1 single in law school. In an effort to catch up w/ my friends, and to build up my own enthusiasm for my new community, I asked my girls to meet me at the neighborhood bar for a drink, when one married friend swiftly replied: "Oh, GA, I'm married, I don't need to go out to bars anymore". Um, I'm sorry - when did catching up with friends turn into skeezing on drunk men...talk about lost in translation. Secondly if you do want to involve yourself with your married friends, then just host a cook-out with other married people. It seems that grills, hamburgers and paper plates make them feel safe.

2. Three Words: Organization, Organization, Organization! I really can't emphasize this enough. I mean, if you don't know who's bringing the potato salad to Saturday night's cook-out for 8, shit is going to hit the fan. If you don't send your check in for the engagement party your hosting atleast two months in advance, your name is not going to be on the invitation and you can just go ahead and scratch your name off the list for the next party to which you'll be asked to pay $50 to eat a cracker and drink a hot beer - chalk it up to social suicide. Also, it is NEVER too early to make driving arrangements for a bachelorette party that takes place in 5 weeks at the beach. I mean, God forbid you get stranded inland and never get to sip thru a penis straw ever again.

3. Committment is Everything. Probably the most important word I've learned since being back is "committment."

- "G.A., I think that you're nervous to make a committment"

- "G.A., I'm just scared that you're never going to make a committment to one person, and you're going to wind up alone"

- (about making a particular committment) "G.A., I mean I think that this law firm job could be really good for you, not just professionally, but you could meet a lot of nice men"

It's so true, what am I waiting for? I mean, it's not like I choose to be single or have my own schedule to do whatever I want? I don't enjoy taking up every inch of my bed while sleeping - and I certainly love all that hair that men shed all over your bed, especially the day you just changed your sheets...Forget being "picky" ( and here I just thought I had "high standards") - I should just settle for the guy I talked to last night who thought I was smart b/c I knew the definition of voyeur and he didn't, whose conversation skills are limited to SEC football, hunting, and Nick Lachey (apparently a God amongst the male population here), and who still thinks it's funny to crack jokes about the jewish religion, gay culture, and the african-american race. Gosh, the committment would be so worth it, especially if i just kept his mouth duck-taped throughout our entire committed relationship. But then if his mouth is ducktaped how am I supposed to enjoy things like, oh well, nevermind....I'm such a cunning linguist.