Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I'm Bringing Single Back (The Single Extinction)

Is the single female becoming extinct? I was briefly rapping with a friend about the upcoming wedding season (probably a conversation prompted by how our lives were not that far off from the ridiculousness of 27 Dresses - luckily I only have 8 in my closet), and in a tone of relief I exclaimed that mine was pretty tame with a total of 4 to 5 weddings between now and the end of the year. Let's face it, there really are no "seasons," just months with a higher celebration concentration. As I started to revel in the low-density of my wedding year I started to realize why there weren't as many. By the end of 2008 roughly 98% of my girlfriends will be married off. Maybe the Presidential primaries should focus their platforms on the rapid decrease of the 25 and over single-female in the human population. When age 30 hits there could be a legitimate crisis. This particular demographic could very well be climbing their way up the ladder of the extinction list, leaving only a select few to encourage and nurture a population increase. I realize that sometimes geography plays into the waxing and waining of this particular demographic - - but just like the chimpanzees in Africa, it's only a matter of time before we're forced out of our native territories into a foreign sanctuary, being taught how to socialize with our own kind.

Who's with me?

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Irony Clad Banking

Whenever I need to check the level of funds in my checking account, I usually dial the 1-800 number for Regions bank. I always find it completely humorous when the teleprompter says: "to better protect your account information, please enter your social security number." What about protecting my identity people?

Monday, January 14, 2008

Just Pretend I'm A Man

I recently took an impromptu trip to the Nail Salon with a friend of mine. As a nail biter, I rarely get manicures. A couple of years back I tried going once a week to rid myself of the habit. I lasted a good three months, but then the whites above the quick just kept calling to me "bite me." So, when I do take these rare visits, I often just get the pedicure. Besides, the pedicures are a much better experience for a single girl - - vibrating chairs that massage your neck and back...and then those incredible foot and leg rub-downs? Anyway, the only problem with an impromptu pedicure in the winter is the status of your leg hair. Actually, the status of my leg hair is always questionable. I both love and hate shaving. I only love shaving after several weeks of letting the leg hairs go. I hate shaving on a regular basis because it's too time-consuming. Well this particular day was quite the experience for my nail technician. Not only are my legs pasty, white, but I probably haven't shaved them in nearly a month. It started to remind of when I was in Europe for a semester, and for the fun of it decided not to shave my legs for 3 - 4 months (when in Rome, people). The technician really wasn't horrified until came time for the ritual leg massage. She immediately started talking in Vietnamese to the rest of the technicians which made me completely uncomfortable. They all started talking and then a few of them would look my way and start laughing...it was awful. I looked down at her, apologized for my unkempt legs, and then just told her to pretend that I was a man. This made her giggle awkwardly...I'm sure communication was lost and she probably thought i said that I was actually a man in women's clothing. The pedicure was completed with success. My only question is, what is an appropriate tip for a nail technician who just gave Chewbaca a pedicure?

Thursday, January 10, 2008

It's a Twister, Mister

One of the things I love most about the South is the thunderstorm and other inclement weather phenomenons- namely, the tornado. Just last night I sat on my front porch admiring a lightening storm moving South over downtown. But the visual affects are not the only things I love about a good storm. One mention of a tornado watch or warning and the whole entire city shuts down. Work closes early, shops send their employees home, suddenly you're second-guessing whether or not you should get in your car and drive home for fear you may get caught up in the eye. And even at age 28, my parents think that I would be 100 times safer at their house during a storm, than I would be in my own condo.

K-Why?

There are few things more disturbing than seeing your 70 year old female neighbor purchasing KY Jelly at the local drugstore.